Jewly Weds...Marriage, Myths, and Martinis

Joe and I have decided to join a synagogue. We chose our shul (Yiddish for temple or synagogue) because it has so many opportunities for families and children to get active.  Belonging to a synagogue that has plenty  of ways in which I can explore my newly forming Jewish identity is important to me.  Our first "extracurricular" event was the Jewlyweds service and dinner called "Marriage, Myths, and Martinis."   This was a night for recently engaged or married couples to attend a Shabbat service and discussion with a Jewish marriage and family therapist.

Although I was a bit out of my comfort zone, I truly enjoyed the service. The rabbi had us up dancing in circles and singing in Hebrew.  I have a friend who replaces the word "watermelon" for all song lyrics he does not know.  It was a night of a lot of "watermelon" lyrics with intermittent phlegm sounding noises, but I felt like I belonged there.  After the service there was a kosher dinner and a discussion with the Jewish marriage and family therapist.  The MFT passed out a worksheet with common marriage myths. 

Here were a few myths from the worksheet:

Myth - We will be happier when.....(fill in the blank).
Myth - Having children will bring us closer together.
Myth - If he/she truly loved me, he/she would know what was wrong without me saying anything
Myth - Our marriage would be better is my partner changed ......(fill in the blank)

(There were about 20 myths on the worksheet.)

We were then asked to choose 2 myths that pertained to our relationship to discuss with our partner.   Joe and I had a pretty good discussion. We did not come up with any answers or resolutions, but we talked about something that we usually do not make time for and this was golden.

I confessed to Joe how overwhelmed I often feel with all my responsibilities at home and at work.  I explained how I work full time and when I come home I have the job of mommy - another full time job.  I told him how stressed I get and that he doesn't share the same responsibilities at home that I do.  Joe takes out the trash and pays the bills. 

I do not want to make it seem like I am not thankful for Joe's financial contribution because I am.  Joe's job allows us to go on vacations and go out for fun dinners and not worry about every penny we spend.  But when Joe gets home his work is done.  He has to take out the trash and he is a daddy to Liam. And he is a wonderful daddy.  But he is playtime daddy, not daddy who does the laundry or  makes breakfast, lunch, and dinner and cleans up all the toys from playtime. 

Like I mentioned earlier, we did not come to any conclusions, but we got to communicate without a toddler pulling at our arms and needing attention.  After our partner discussion ended we came back to discuss our findings with the entire group. (There were about 15 couples there.)  After listening to the other couples, Joe and I realized that our issues were so different. We have a child. We don't argue about what our Friday night date plans should be because we are thankful to get a date night maybe once every couple of months.  We don't fight about each other's parents because we are so thankful that we both live in the same city as our parents and they help us with Liam. 

I definitely left Jewlyweds feeling a  step ahead of the game.  We are passed silly arguing because we have a very active toddler who gives us a daily reality check.  But I also left knowing that having time to talk about our relationship is key. We need this.

Lastly, I left reaffirming my decision to convert.  I so want to be a part of a community that places value on events and provides a venue for dealing with the myths of marriage and relationships.

Bringing Shabbat to Christmas

Last week in my Intro to Judaism class, Rabbi Gotlieb asked if we had any stories from the two weeks off we had from class.  I am usually not one that is biting at the bit to share personal experiences with a group of people I don’t know well, but this time I had to share.  My hand was raised before Rabbi Gotlieb was done asking if anyone had anything to share. 

                I wanted to share with my class that I had brought Shabbat to Christmas.  Christmas Eve was on a Friday night and Shabbat always begins on Friday night.  Joe and I committed to doing Shabbat dinner every Friday night.  This will take some planning since Joe usually works late, but we decided, whether or not Joe is present, our family will sanctify Friday night by observing Shabbat with a dinner.  Our first obstacle came a week later when my mother invited us over to her house to celebrate Christmas Eve on Friday, December 24^th. 

                At first I was concerned about how I would handle the situation.  I knew we had to go to my mother’s house.  Christmas and Thanksgiving were the holidays that my family always spent together.  But I wanted to make sure that I kept my commitment to having a Shabbat dinner.  I decided that I would ask my mother if we could celebrate Shabbat at her house.

                My mother was more than thrilled!  It was a beautiful coming together of old traditions and new traditions.  Next to the my mother’s beautifully decorated red and green table, was a circle table that held my Shabbat candles, my two loaves of homemade Challah bread, and pitcher of water for the traditional hand washing. 

                Before we sat down for Christmas Eve dinner, my family stood around the table prepared for Shabbat.  I lit the candles and recited the prayers in Hebrew.  I messed up once while reciting and decided not to sing “Shalom Aleichem,” but it was perfect.  (And my homemade Challah bread was talked about for the rest of the night!)

                One of the hardest parts about saying goodbye to Catholicism has been detaching from the excitement of Christmas.  My family did not have dinner nightly and we never took big family vacations because my parents worked a lot.  Christmas was really the only time I can remember my family always being together and truly being happy.  On Christmas I felt like I was a part of that classic and traditional family that ate dinner together and told jokes around the fireplace.

                Bringing my new traditions to my family and having them accept them so readily made saying goodbye to Christmas that much easier.  (Also, thank you to marthastewart.com for all the great Chanukah decorating ideas…if I couldn’t decorate for Christmas I had to decorate for Chanukah!)