If not now, when?

It is 5:30 a.m. on the day of Liam’s and my conversion.  I can’t sleep.  I am too anxious – both excited and nervous.  I have worked so hard to get to this place.  I have read for countless hours, spent time doing some very honest soul searching, and have pushed myself far beyond my comfort zone.  I am ready.  Like a mantra, I keep repeating this to myself, “I am ready.”

Of course I have doubts.  I suppose they are more like insecurities than actual reservations about entering the Jewish faith.   Raising Jewish children intimidates me because I am still learning about what it means to live a Jewish life.  How can I possibly teach someone else?  Synagogue intimidates me.  I mean, more than half of the service is in Hebrew!  Claiming that I am lost is an understatement.  How will I ever learn Hebrew?  I so badly want to invite friends over for Shabbat dinner on Friday night, but I still feel like I am a fake as I prepare for Shabbat.  I know that after today I am as Jewish as any other Jew, but am I really?  According to Jewish law I am, but I still feel like an outsider.   Does this feeling of being “the other” ever go away?  And if it does go away, will I just enter into another state of feeling like “the other” since Jews are a minority?   

These are complex issues.  I know that I may struggle with these feelings for a while, possibly even years.  But I repeat my mantra, “I am ready.”  In Ethics of Fathers, Rabbi Hillel, one of the greatest Jewish scholars, says, "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? And if not now, when?" (1:14).  My decision to convert is a choice that I have made to be for myself.  I enrolled in my Introduction to Judaism class wanting to learn more about the faith and culture of the man I love.  And I ended the class knowing that this was a personal journey that I not only wanted to experience longer through study, but wanted to be a part of in a very real way.  Moreover, my decision to convert is not only for myself.  I am converting the single most precious and sacred person in my life, my son.  I know that by becoming Jews, Liam and I will be able to share a spiritual and cultural life with Joe that is authentic.  The Jewish people, faith, and culture will be ours, too!  Lastly, my favorite part of Hillel’s quote is “if not now, when?”  Simply put, Hillel challenges his readers to live in the present, to motivate now because life is happening now.  This reminds me of being on a roller coaster and reaching the high point just before the riveting drop.  At this point I always fear the drop, wanting it to happen, but not now.  But the reality of the drop is that it will happen.  There is no way of getting off the roller coaster without the drop occurring.  So, if not now, when?  And the drop is always exhilarating!  

I know I am prepared.   Although I am nervous about the questions the Beit Din (the rabbinical court) will ask me, I will speak from my heart because it is through love that brought me to this path.  I fear that I will get choked up as they ask me to tell my story because it is an emotional one.  It is a story I hold dear to my heart.  It is truly a story of a lost soul trying to find her sense of self and protect her son.  But is it a victorious story!  A story I am proud to tell regardless of the fact that it is difficult to tell. 

“I am ready; I am ready.”